The past 1.5 years has been a blessing and hard at the same time. A lot of happiness and a lot of struggle. A lot has happened in the
last year and half.
- We got married.
- Both Frenchie and I started new jobs.
- I started teaching piano.
- My wrist hit another all time high (or low depending on how
you look at it)
- I lost a close aunt that was also my mom’s identical twin to
cancer.
- I started a home business selling Epicure.
- A niece was born on Frenchies side of the family.
- I did The Husband Project and The Marriage Project.
- Julie and I did a bible study together.
- Been on and off again with this fitness program or
that.
But through it all, the one thing that makes it a hard year
is my lack of faith. Before we got married I was in the RCIA program and was
very rooted in our church. I may not have had a lot of friends, but I looked
forward to going every weekend and seeing those people who were converting with
me. We had our own group and it was great. After the wedding, I lost touch with
most of them, and then when my aunt passed, I lost my faith a little. I was
angry at God for answering my prayers. I prayed she would not suffer for long,
but she did for 4 months. She passed while Frenchie and I were on our honeymoon.
And I wish more than anything we could have been there for my mom and family. I
regret not being there still. I was angry at God because he took such a
wonderful person is such a hard way. I was angry because my aunt was also my
Godmother and I never cherished that relationship until it was too late.
This has kept me up for a lot of nights crying silent tears.
It has kept me from going to church and praying for her safe passage to Heaven.
We went a couple times in between the wedding and now and I could never make it
through communion without breaking down into tears and crying in the pew. While
you’re in church and people are generally good to you, you will always be
judged by those sitting around you. It’s one thing to seek comfort, but quite
another to have someone look at you when you’re clearly in grief and make you
feel like you should leave, like you are interrupting their experience. And
granted I probably was.
Last night I had a long chat with God about my aunt and
about my faith. The reason I cry during communion is because of its reminder to
me of her. The last time I saw her she said she kept thinking of one phrase
from church and it helped her be at peace. “Lord I am not worthy to receive
you, but only say the words and I shall be healed”. Those words are powerful by
themselves, but add an emotional tie and they take on a whole new meaning.
While in conversation (or prayer if you want) I came to the realization that
although it’s terribly sad to hear those words and think of what they meant to
her, I need to think of the experience completely different. It will still be
sad, but it’s also an opportunity for me to feel closer to her; for me to
remember her. To think of it as a constant reminder she is with Him and at
peace and watching over us.
I woke up this morning and made a vow to attend church this
weekend. It’s time I come back to the flock and forgive Him and forgive myself
for feeling so guilty about lacking faith for the past while. To go and realize
that it’s a blessing to be so emotional and to know that I need to get through
it and finally have closure. It’s time.
During my coffee run this morning I ran into a fellow parishioner
and it felt so good to talk to him. I told him some of my lame excuses for not
attending Mass. Things like Frenchie not coming with me, not wanting to sit alone,
etc. He told me I can always sit with him and his wife. They go to a mass time
that would work for me and they’d be happy to be there with me. They don't know about the great loss I need healing from, but if they asked I would gladly share.
It's amazing when He just lays it all out when you open your heart
and accept.