Tuesday, October 23, 2012

Conversation with God

The past 1.5 years has been a blessing and hard at the same time. A lot of happiness and a lot of struggle. A lot has happened in the last year and half.
  • We got married.
  • Both Frenchie and I started new jobs.
  • I started teaching piano.
  • My wrist hit another all time high (or low depending on how you look at it)
  • I lost a close aunt that was also my mom’s identical twin to cancer.
  • I started a home business selling Epicure.
  • A niece was born on Frenchies side of the family.
  • I did The Husband Project and The Marriage Project.
  • Julie and I did a bible study together.
  • Been on and off again with this fitness program or that.

But through it all, the one thing that makes it a hard year is my lack of faith. Before we got married I was in the RCIA program and was very rooted in our church. I may not have had a lot of friends, but I looked forward to going every weekend and seeing those people who were converting with me. We had our own group and it was great. After the wedding, I lost touch with most of them, and then when my aunt passed, I lost my faith a little. I was angry at God for answering my prayers. I prayed she would not suffer for long, but she did for 4 months. She passed while Frenchie and I were on our honeymoon. And I wish more than anything we could have been there for my mom and family. I regret not being there still. I was angry at God because he took such a wonderful person is such a hard way. I was angry because my aunt was also my Godmother and I never cherished that relationship until it was too late.

This has kept me up for a lot of nights crying silent tears. It has kept me from going to church and praying for her safe passage to Heaven. We went a couple times in between the wedding and now and I could never make it through communion without breaking down into tears and crying in the pew. While you’re in church and people are generally good to you, you will always be judged by those sitting around you. It’s one thing to seek comfort, but quite another to have someone look at you when you’re clearly in grief and make you feel like you should leave, like you are interrupting their experience. And granted I probably was.

Last night I had a long chat with God about my aunt and about my faith. The reason I cry during communion is because of its reminder to me of her. The last time I saw her she said she kept thinking of one phrase from church and it helped her be at peace. “Lord I am not worthy to receive you, but only say the words and I shall be healed”. Those words are powerful by themselves, but add an emotional tie and they take on a whole new meaning. While in conversation (or prayer if you want) I came to the realization that although it’s terribly sad to hear those words and think of what they meant to her, I need to think of the experience completely different. It will still be sad, but it’s also an opportunity for me to feel closer to her; for me to remember her. To think of it as a constant reminder she is with Him and at peace and watching over us.
I woke up this morning and made a vow to attend church this weekend. It’s time I come back to the flock and forgive Him and forgive myself for feeling so guilty about lacking faith for the past while. To go and realize that it’s a blessing to be so emotional and to know that I need to get through it and finally have closure. It’s time.

During my coffee run this morning I ran into a fellow parishioner and it felt so good to talk to him. I told him some of my lame excuses for not attending Mass. Things like Frenchie not coming with me, not wanting to sit alone, etc. He told me I can always sit with him and his wife. They go to a mass time that would work for me and they’d be happy to be there with me. They don't know about the great loss I need healing from, but if they asked I would gladly share.

It's amazing when He just lays it all out when you open your heart and accept.