**this morphed into a very long post. I won't be offended if you don't make it to the bottom of my rant and raving and self-loathing**
I've been struggling with this wife thing. I love being married. I love my husband. My problem is that I have an idea in my head of what a wife should be and I'm not getting a good report card. This is all according to the toughest critic: Me.
Let's revisit the 1950's:
Wife stays home and takes care of everything home related. Husband goes to work and brings in money and does man things.
Fastforward to today (high level overview):
Rules don't apply. Everything is all mixed together and there is a shift depending on who the breadwinner is. Both do house work, both do yard work, both take care of children (fur or human)
My version: A mix of both.
Wife does most of the housework but husband helps where he can.
Husband does more of the outdoor work, wife helps where she can. Keeps the cars in running order
Take care of our furbaby together
Both work full time.
We both work full time jobs and I work a second part time job 1 - 3 times a week. It varies depending on how many students I get signed up for classes. I love working Job#2 but sometimes it's a lot when all I want is to sit at home with my husband.
I'm a huge planner and I think that sometimes that works against me. Our entire life is planned out to some extent and there's very little room to go off the path. Note that I'M a planner. Frenchie goes along with "the plan" and gets very frustrated when everything is the same every week for what days we do what and when. I agree with him on most accounts, but how else would be get anything done if it wasn't planned?
The part I'm struggling with is how do I do all the wifely tasks I feel I should do and still spend time with my husband and friends. I fail at the housework section of my definition.
I'm lazy. I'll be the first to admit what Frenchie already knows. I get distracted easily. I'll say I'm going to cook and then turn on the computer or grab a book and forget what I said I was going to do.
I hate cleaning unless I'm in a bad mood, then it's a release. My tolerance for dirt is lower than his so by the time the house is dirty enough for me to notice, he's already cleaned it. Which makes me feel crappy because that's my job and I didn't do it.
I love to bake and do that well. Point for me!
I like to cook, but somehow hardy ever seem to do it. I feel like I turn around and Frenchie is cooking up dinner again for the millionth time. Let's face it, if he waited for me to get off my butt and do it, we'd never eat. I'm not a horrible cook. Follow the directions the first time you make a meal and ad lib the next time to suit your tastes.
I've gotten us to meal plan and that's made a big difference for us having more time in the evenings. We don't play the "what do you want for supper?" "doesn't matter, what do you feel like?" game anymore because what we're eating is marked on the fridge.
I do the laundry, but never manage to iron or fold. He ends up folding after the clothes has sat on the couch for a week and wrinkled. Ironing is a lot longer.
Is it just me or do I sound like a lazy wife. My husband holds up his end the relationship. The yard and cars are always well cared for (expect the flower beds, which is my section and those rarely get touched) Then he does half of my things.
Any advice to whip my butt into "wife shape"? I am the baby of a family and with the age difference I grew up through my teenage years as an only child. Is this just who I am or do you think there's hope? How the heck are we ever going to have a somewhat smoothly running household when we have kids if I can't even keep my end of the deal up with the two of us??
I think you should stop trying to fit into a mold and accept that every relationship has different dynamics.
ReplyDeleteIs your husband angry at the division of chores?
Oh no, I don't think he's angry at all, this is more me being mad at myself for being lazy.
ReplyDeleteI agree about not attempting to fit into a mold. If you realize you have a problem with something you're doing, only you have the power to fix it. Start small because if you try to accomplish everything you want/need to do, you'll quickly realize you aren't Superwoman. Assign yourself a task to tackle each night. It helps you accomplish much more around the house.
ReplyDeleteI agree also - keep in mind that you can't be perfect and you don't need to be. So first cut yourself some slack.
ReplyDeleteSecond, if there's stuff you feel you need to do more of, since you mention you like planning (me too!) make yourself a list of what needs to get done on each day of the week, or make a specific day the 'cleaning day'. Schedule the house stuff - I'd never get any of it done if I didn't schedule myself in to do it. I've also heard it suggested to try to work the cleaning in each day - 15 mins of tidying/folding/sweeping etc. each evening can save you a ton of time in the long run.
And definitely don't expect it always to get done - you're a busy woman. The traditional housewife didn't have a full time job AND a part time one on top of keeping the house clean and cooking - her only job was the house stuff. It's ok that he helps out - there's actually less yard stuff than house stuff for the most part, so it balances things a little more, in my opinion anyway.