Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Therapy Tuesday: Wishes for too much too fast

This morning was Frenchie and I's first commute together. We've never worked near each other before, so this is all new. We commute on the train together and walk within a block of each other. I thought this morning I would feel super relaxed and at ease on my way to work. I was wrong. I was able to hide the feelings beneath the exterior and internalize the anxiety this morning. I know this is probably the wrong approach since he won't know when I'm feeling like I'm going to implode, but isn't that easier on him? Isn't it easier that he thinks everything is fine until it's at the point where I can't hide it anymore? I know the answers to those questions are always no. It's better to share so he understands, so he knows.

I thought with Frenchie home, I would feel at ease and I would have less anxiety. I didn't have to drive this morning, I was able to read like I normally do and I had someone to walk with to work. Anxiety level was still pretty high. Perhaps only having him home for the past week isn't enough to me to really settle back in. Perhaps it's going to take longer for things to get back to 'normal'. (fingers crossed)

I'm a little disappointed and a little scared. What if him being home doesn't actually help my levels at all? What happens if with him home, nothing changes for me and I still have all this stress and anxiety every day?

It's going to be nice to have someone to talk to and who understands a little bit. This is a huge learning curve for him as well. Now that I know I have really high anxiety and can recognize when it's happening, I'm able to tell him how I'm feeling in better terms and can ask for help. Even if he doesn't get what set me off (sometimes I don't even know) at least he can help me through it. Sometimes what he thinks set me off isn't the real cause. For example, this weekend we went out with his family on their boat. He knew I was anxious for a reason: I always feel sick. I do NOT have sea legs on me at all. That was part of it to begin with, but once we were on the lake, that fell through. I was nervous because we were way out in the middle of the lake. I can't swim that far back to shore if something were to happen. Silly? Probably. Real? very much so. I needed to keep my eyes on the shore and keep thinking to myself, "I could swim that." "We aren't as far out into the lake as we could be." "There are life jackets for everyone."

He held my hands and kept asking every once in a while how my stomach was. He's sweet and cares and tries to help wherever he can. I never told him the real reason for my needing his hands. I feel silly for feeling scared of the lake. I've never been in a boat in my life that has tipped over.

Here's to hoping things improve over the next few weeks.