"Counseling isn't helping. I don't have the sessions often enough. I don't think I'm getting what I need out of it."
That is what I intended to say at my session yesterday. I expected myself to say that I don't want to continue since it's not helping. Guess what? I didn't have to say it. My therapist has booked my next 3 sessions. One more in May, and two in July. (I'm taking some holidays in June so that month wasn't going to work)
It was a good session. Apparently I am at risk for clinical depression if we don't get my panic attacks and anxiety some help. (yes, I'm referring to them as a separate entity because it's easier that way). My greatest strength is being able to talk about how I'm feeling opening and honestly. A drawback to that is finding people that will opening and honestly listen. Other than my fiancé and a friend or two, there is not many people that want to listen to you. We are all very ego-centric people. We all feel a lot of the same things, but no one talks about it. It's as if it will make us weak. I believe its the opposite. Talking about how we feel only brings us closer and stronger together. Finding a person that will listen rather than try and fix, or try and brush it off as 'no big deal'. I know most people are scared to acknowledge that someone they love is hurting. It's hard, but it means the world to the hurt person to know they are acknowledged and not alone.
The plan now is for me to not be afraid of the panic attacks. They'll happen. I'm doing what I can to get through them, and my therapist was impressed that I have the ability to tell those around me exactly what I need. Most of the time, I just need a distraction while I calm myself back down. Since I am already pretty good at this part, my next session will be focusing on the heart of the matter and trying to find a solution. This part scares me more than anything. There are a few things I can control. There are a few that I can't. The ones I can control are the ones I don't want to since it could mean a big change and I'm not ready for that.
I talked to Frenchie last night and we had a good chat about everything. He's worried being away, but that's one of those 'can't control' things. He's working on finding a job back here, but it's a slow process with the market so down.
For now I'll keep praying, keep breathing deeply and try to surround myself with people I love, and that love me back, in spite of all my faults.