Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Therapy Tuesday: Off the Pole

This week has just started and already, it's horrible. Let's start with the bad and then end with the good.

In the past two weeks I have had two panic attacks. Last night bumped that up to four. I had one on my way to Mass last night, and one after being there for 1.5 hours. I had a wicked headache as soon as the processional started because they were using incense. I can't handle incense. So the majority of the mass was spent rubbing my temples, deep breathing and trying to relax (unsuccessfully I might add). After an hour the scent lightened and I felt like I could breathe again. Until they lit all the incense again. I lost it. I was trying very hard to breathe through it, but there was no way. All I could think about was rushing outside for fresh air. I told my sponsor I would see her on Wednesday and I left in a hurry. I cried all the way to my car and then told myself no driving until I was more stable. That took about 10 minutes. Then I drove home, sobbing the majority of the way. I had a mantra going "I just have to make it home"

I'm so tired. These things are exhausting! I have 5 more days until Easter is over. 5 more days... 5 more days... I truly hope that I can make it through. I have a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach that there will be more than one attack this week.

As much as I have friends and family here, I feel very alone without my fiance. He is my main support. I lean on him probably more than I should. His wide shoulders take a burden they probably shouldn't. Without him, I not only feel alone in the sense of company, but I feel alone in that I have no rock. I'm floating around with nothing to ground me. He is still available to talk/email/skype. That's not the same. When I freak out, he hugs me and makes me calm down. He changes my focus. I must learn to do that myself, or find someone else to help me.

I feel there is a light at the end of five days, but it's very dim and not getting any brighter even as time moves closer to it.

The good? My family is coming this weekend. I have dance tonight. I have clean clothes now that I did laundry. I have a great meal planned for myself tonight since I have the time.