Yesterday I had a therapy session. (Yes, still going) I'm a very touchy feely person. I like hugs, I like talking, I like talking about feelings and being able to express them. If I can't express my feelings I feel suffocated and like I don't matter. This is something Frenchie learned in a real hurry when we started dating. (Wonderful man!)
I've been having trouble with my job and without going in to details, we found a parallel between my job and a previous relationship. Both are outward focused, ie not on you. There is a strong focus on what you do for the company, what you do for your customers. There is very little focus on you as a person unless it's affecting your work. If you're sick (physically or mentally) it doesn't matter until it affects your work.
Parallel that with my previous long-term relationship. (yes I'm digging up the past. I doesn't hurt anymore and I have a very objective look at things) The focus from his point of view was always on friends. It was outward. Friends above all else. There was very little focus on me. I realize that may sound selfish, but it's not when you really think about it.
As humans, most of us want to feel valued, loved and cared about. We have those feelings inside us and when they are cut off some of us cope, some of us don't. I don't. I have a strong need to be taken care of or at least know I'm cared about. When that trust and value is built, it is returned. It's not a "I'll love you if you love me" sort of thing. It's in my nature to love those that love me and show me how much I mean to them.
When I'm undervalued in anyway, it's hard to care at all. As I learned about myself in my previous relationship, I hold on and hold out thinking things will change and that if I give enough of myself, I will receive what I need. How much of yourself do you have to give before there's nothing left of you?
Now that I've gone way down the rabbit hole, without saying it bluntly, I have a part of my life that I'm highly valued and part of my life where I feel I'm not. Makes it very hard to care back and give back when you aren't receiving anything in return.
I am so thankful for my fiancé in showing me that love exists and can exist in all aspects of our lives. Love may be too strong a word in some cases, but the value is there.
It was an interesting session and although I dislike thinking of my past sometimes, there are lessons to be learned that you can only see later in life.